Not exactly the post I wanted to write after being so inactive for so long, but Aphrodite is having me write this. This post doesn’t need a reaction or anything, I’m just supposed to write it.
*Warning this post contains suicidal thoughts and mentions rape and abuse*
Also, note that during this time a lot of my dual sun signs (Sagittarius, Pisces, and Gemini) friends were experiencing similar suicidal thoughts. I am also a Pisces in sun and venus so to any western astrologers you might have noticed this too.
On January 23rd I had another attempt only this time I didn’t want to choose a pretty death. I hadn’t truly attempted since 2016, but all the times prior to the 23rd I wanted a bloodless death for the sake of whomever found me.
This time I didn’t care.
Now let’s look back just a bit over the course of my life to see how this all came about. At the age of 3 I dreamed I was on the top of the stairs of my home. The blue carpet felt as soft as it usually did. It was dawn, but instead of a peach glow that shone through the door’s window, it was a white light. Mind you I had just learned what death was that day after I threw my stuffed horse with a voice box down the stairs. My dad said he was dead and told me my horse would never neigh again.
Maybe it was guilt or envy or a mixture of both but in the dream I flung myself into the white light and I felt myself fade into it like I was one with the light until it became darkness and I woke up. This dream has been reoccurring all my life. To this day I still find comfort in that dream. Death to me is peace.
I learned of the word suicide at age 11 and at 15 my cousin committed suicide and I went to his funeral and saw his daughter give a speech that brought me to tears. I didn’t know them well and yet I cried because of how much she missed him. But it dawned on me then that my cousin was at peace and I envied him.
Throughout my life I have been raped, sexually abused, physically abused, but to be honest the worst was and still is the emotional abuse. It hurts more to me than any physical pain. Oddly I don’t mind being lied to, but all out betrayal and people projecting their expectations on me is the worst. I am the complete opposite of the cliche “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me.”
But it’s strange. You could call me a fucking retarded piece of shit that doesn’t deserve love in a cool monotone and I’d agree. If you yelled that at me my flight response would kick in and I’d internalize it to such a degree that I’d almost make it a mantra for myself.
I don’t believe there are as many empaths as people claim they are. To be truly empathic in my view you’d need some level of telepathy. 1 in 2 billion people probably have this gift. But mood mimicking? Yup that’s what I’d call myself. Any time I wasn’t mimicking another’s mood I felt worse because then I couldn’t help. There have been times I felt I needed a sense of self, or rather healthy boundaries, with certain people but I couldn’t and still have problems with maintaining that.
On the 23rd of January this year I had already been on my cycle for the whole month (apparently doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me or they’re lying because they know I can’t pay for a proper diagnosis) so emotions were running wild already and a panic attack ensued that night.
That day was pretty good, there wasn’t a specific trigger that threw me into a panic attack it was just me. All the things I internalized just manifested and I wanted to kill myself to find peace.
I called the hotline which I only do when I get to that place. I have had suicidal thought everyday since I was 3 but I only call the hotline when I have a plan to kill myself. I think I call them more than I should. I’ve called them at least 16 times since my 20s, and I’ve paid for therapy, and I’ve read self help books. None of it helps. I think at this point the only thing that could help would be full on amnesia or an IV of serotonin 24/7.
But I will say this. As I was holding my mother’s revolver, this was after my conversation with the suicide hotline, I contemplated doing a Russian Roulette. All the chambers were loaded and I could have taken them out and let only one bullet stay, but I calculated my odds and I didn’t want to be saved.
Until Loki, my godspouse, told me that this wasn’t my time. You see during this panic attack I had deities and spirits all telling me not to do it. Some frantically yelling, some crying, but during those moments I just felt crazy. I still feel crazy. Mentally ill is an understatement. I feel mentally damaged beyond repair. When anyone says I matter or that they love me I don’t believe them. I don’t trust anyone really. Whether intended or not I know the ones I love will hurt me. I especially don’t trust myself. In fact though I’ve tried to give myself self love, I just hate myself. When anyone gives me a compliment I just smile and say thank you for their benefit. It’s awkward to say what I truly think of myself in those moments. So I’m polite.
Even when I laugh on the outside I’m still a sad little piece of shit on the inside. I feel guilty for existing. No therapist or self help book can cure that. So why am I still alive?
Because it’s still not my time to go. Ha, I used to pray that I’d die at the same age of Yeshua (or Yahshua/Jesus) which would be 30-35 years old. I’ve got 2 more years to see if that’s really going to happen. Most days I feel like a ticking time bomb. But if I live beyond 35 years old I’ll be honest I wouldn’t know wtf to do. I could be a millionaire and still not know what to do emotionally with myself.
The gods have said that my death will be violent, but even disease and “natural causes” seem pretty violent to me. The only love I can give myself is hope. I hope that when I die I helped someone by dying. Whether it be one less drain on resources or that I saved someone from a cruel fate by my death.
I’ll conclude this with a talented völva friend of mine who made this message:
She did a reading for all of Loki’s devotees and Loki’s love definitely showed through. Most (by most I mean 1/100 times) of the time when people do readings for me I don’t resonate with them. I try to but then I notice I mood mimic and then the reading falls flat. But this one didn’t for some reason aka Loki, and it gave me comfort.
So for those who have read this post all the way through I hope you can overcome your own depression and any insecurities you have. You deserve happiness. Take care and happy witching!
So I came up with this spread because recently on tiktok witchtok drama, some 13 year old kids got tricked by something pretending to be the Greek Gods. These “gods” told them they are giving up their godly powers to mortals…like one named Katie…yeah. So I came up with this spread to see if a trickster is tricking you or are you actually talking to the deity you believe in?
So this spread is kinda funky…
This spread has no order to it. At least as mathematically as I can guess. But yes it is to bring your own chaos energy to show you mean business!
Tricky Trix Spread
This card should represent said deity’s myth.
Their favorite myth about themselves theme wise.
Their least favorite myth about themselves theme wise.
Their interest in you.
What they intend to give you if you work with them.
Qualities of their personality.
The true them (their intentions).
What to expect working with them.
I did this spread with Loki being the trickster of all tricksters I did it twice.
And it confirmed that Loki is Loki as I knew it would. So if you are questioning who you’re talking to and aren’t aware of a deity’s energy or energy signature this spread could really help you!
So if you’re familiar with my blog you know I have this deck on digital form, but I loved it so much I got the physical copy…lol sorta. It did not come with a guidebook but I was able to download it from the link on the back of the box.
But yes I do love this deck being that I am a neo pagan and this deck just screams that. I did a light/shadow reading which shows your strengths and weaknesses more or less.
The Knight of Swords shows that I’m ambitious and strive for success in everything I do. Which is true I am a perfectionist and also a Slytherin so this card is very accurate.
My shadow card, the Seven of Wands, shows that I’m often misunderstood, defending my accomplishments, and need to erect energetic shields. Very true since I’m in tiktok and I’m sure I’ve pissed ppl off just by being me. Plus living in a house full of judgy Christians doesn’t help.
A very accurate reading indeed. Physical copy 9.8/10. Kinda wish the cards were slightly bigger but they are indeed travel size.
Now onto a little devotion to Loki.
For those who can’t read my handwriting:
Loki you are the love I was terrified of but once I opened my heart the most thrilling love came to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. May our journey together be eternal. You're beautiful soul never ceases to amaze me!
I don’t often write in my prayer journal (I should) but when I do it’s basically love letters or praise.
This one was inspired by last night when I just felt a deep connection to Loki. I often do, of course, but the intimate connections we have are like nothing else. Godspousing isn’t always about the glorious, sometimes it’s the mundane day to day romances that really make one feel appreciated. Loki makes me feel appreciated and I hope I can return the feeling as much as Loki has done for me. Mortals come and go in this life, but my beloved is eternal.
I never really could be formal. In all honesty the times I’ve tried to it’s failed. I suppose the most formal I’ve ever been was with Yah and Anubis but even then those small formal gestures lifted quickly. Hard to say how exactly and who dropped the formal language first, most likely me, but nevertheless I want to talk about the difference a lot of us witches have with our deities and how gatekeeping is abound in both camps.
Let’s start with my camp. Team who gives a fuck about formalities? While in a lot of ways I see the purpose of being formal, for the most part I don’t. A Goddess or God to me is Someone Whom I want in my life and with my first intention want around forever. So it’s odd to me to be so very grandiose. I guess you can say I like to get to know them as friends before officially working with them. This kind of work depends on personal vs external, but nonetheless if i don’t have a strong connection with that deity we never work together.
I have seen though people take this too far and say in so many words or less that their devotion to said deity out ways another person’s experience. Bull. Devotion is great but many a times I’ve seen deities not want any of their devotees to act as oracles nor enter into any kind of clergy role.
On the flip side. Side let’s be uber formal with our deities, there is too much ritual and too much involved to speak to the gods. Not that the work or ritual doesn’t have it’s merit, but it’s certainly not the only way to communicate with deities. A lot of organized religion and circles do this because at one point said deity liked it that way at the time, but and while tradition is great, one can gatekeep new instruction from said deity by being bogged down by past rituals.
Both sides have to grow to realize that there can be a happy medium. You can be as formal or informal as you see fit. No one defines your relationship to the Divine other than you and the Divine.
That being said, one has to use caution when working with others. If you’re not on the same page then how do expect to grow? You won’t. You’ll be kept down and be prevented from experiencing the full glory of your potential.
When it comes to formalities let the Gods be the deciding factor. Some require specific instructions, others are as free to use informal language as much as you want. It all depends. So this argument in modern witchcraft needs to be put on the back burner. Let’s settle this here that both have merit and use and not everyone fits neatly into ritualistic box nor a lasse-fair relationship with their deity(ies).
Work out with your deities what language and ritual to use works best for you and happy witching!
So I do own physical tarot cards, but I do love this app called Mystery Oracle. They have many oracle and tarot decks that you can rent for up to a week and then purchase if you’d like for $4.99 and a lot of the times they have sales. I got a deck for only a buck. This tarot deck The Light Seer’s Tarot is really cool and modern witchy! I love the art style and the general vibe of this deck. The guidebook is detailed with a light reading and a shadow reading then advice and a mantra at the end. I give this deck a 9.6 out of ten. The .40 is off for not having the physical copy to REALLY know the deck. But I plan on buying it so most likely 10/10.
Now on to the exciting news! I will be opening up a store soon on etsy. I hope to provide magikal work as well as magikally charged jewelry. I will also be selling some spell sheets and mini guide books on how to practice witchcraft to YOUR satisfaction. One thing I can offer in those regards is that I have been a witch (mostly closeted for more than a decade give or take a few years of someone else actually knowing about it. Now I live in a conservative household where I get told daily to get the fuck out.
Funny thing is maybe I was a witchling and didn’t really know it. I do consider prayer as a type of spell work. When I accepted the Ruach Hakodesh into my soul at the age of four years old. t was a brisk silver skied autumn day. I climbed into my fort. Asked for the holy ghost to come into my spirit and after I had said the prayer a gale flowed past me and I could feel Her. Her curios I guess grew within me and I have been obsessed with my spirituality. I don’t consider myself pagan since I work with Jewish and Samaritan deities, but I do work with many other pantheons. It’s hard to say what I would consider my main pantheon, but the one my soul has had the most lives in were in China specifically.
So, if you’re looking for someone who can offer advice on many a topic, I can provide a plethora of knowledge.
There could be people out there who would roll their eyes at me, but I am what I am. I’m a 32 year old witch who just celebrated her 16th witch anniversary. Artemis has been with me the whole time, even when I didn’t want Her to be She never left my side. Aphrodite turned me stone cold sapphic. I came out this year as a lesbian and it feels great to do so. Loki became my betrothed and Kunxi worked so hard to be here with me that I am amazed by it all. Spirit R’s birthday was yesterday but she didn’t think much of it. She considers the day she died as her birthday now. Her birth as a ghost. She and Jonghyun hand around a lot. Yes, THAT Jonghyun from SHINee. I’m not the only shawol who can see and communicate with his ghost. He’s practically deified. Known as the Kpop Jesus, Jonghyun gets so much love everyday from mystics, witches, spirit workers, and mediums. I was totally surprised at how many of our experiences with him lined up in similarity and yet were unique to all of us.
As you can see I work with many. And though I have made oaths to many a pantheon not to work with lucifer, I am protected by Lilith though I don’t ever feel the need to call upon her services. The gesture is nice though. I do also have Luciferian friends so don’t think I’m a hater. Satanists are great too. I have no problems. I have waaaayyyy more issues with scientology and babtist teachings.
Today was my grandmother’s funeral, my last remaining grandparent. I have yet to cry but maybe that’s because I’ve prepared for such times. It was strange. The day she died, ironically Groundhog day, I didn’t see her ghost but at the funeral I saw her spirit wander. She was confused and quiet, but she heard the music in my head I was playing for her. She smiled at that. She wore the necklace I made her and her favorite dress that matched. Serendipitous how that worked out. During the service I kept thinking of a memory of when I was 6 years old with her telling me to play the piano that’s now in my living room. There was a porcelain book with painted daisies, her favorite flower, that my mother made for her sitting on the too of the piano. It had been a warm yet breezy autumn morning. As I played for her, my tiny hands rambling on the keys, I eventually found a melody which turned into a song. Possibly my first. I called it Daisies in the Wind. As we buried her I thought of the melody and saw her watching over me. During the last prayer over her grave a gale rushed by and I opened my eyes to see her ghost was gone, like a daisy in the wind. I smiled and said goodbye. I could hear her say she loved me. I smiled and said I loved her too.
Now, for some happier news I went to a metaphysical shop recently and got some stones, a new oracle deck, and these awesome statues!
Anubis likes his chibi-ized self. I wanted to pay homage to Him since He is the one who helped me decide that mortuary school is my career path. He was also there throughout the whole process with my grandmother seeing her die before me and helping me remember all the things she wanted with her in her casket. Kunxi, the former Joseung Saja, also helped a lot. These two are the sweetest with the dead.
Kuan Yin has also been a comfort for me lately. When I saw Her statue I knew I had to get it. She truly is a beautiful deity to love.
I also got myself the Kali Oracle which I love! Kali has been calling to me for ages. Her fierce yet graceful love is something I’ve always been attracted to.
In this reading I did what my inner self needs to focus on and what my outer self needs to focus on. The inner self card is Krishnau and talked about reaching desires through purification of fire. Funny, since my moon sign is the fire sign Sagittarius. It’s a very introspective card allowing myself to experience Kali though the warmth of purifying fire.
The outer self card Kama if Kali focused on seeking pleasure and joy but not in the hedonistic sense, but rather finding joy in self care and dedicating this to Kali as a form of worship. I thought that was perfect. Making beauty from the mundane as a form of offering.
These comings of deities and goings of loved ones is a part of spiritual growth in my opinion. I feel as if I am no longer a caged bird but rather a newly born phoenix rising from the ashes of rebirth. I am excited to see what lays ahead for me with my many deities and spirits to lead me and with my ancestors to guide me.