Not exactly the post I wanted to write after being so inactive for so long, but Aphrodite is having me write this. This post doesn’t need a reaction or anything, I’m just supposed to write it.
*Warning this post contains suicidal thoughts and mentions rape and abuse*
Also, note that during this time a lot of my dual sun signs (Sagittarius, Pisces, and Gemini) friends were experiencing similar suicidal thoughts. I am also a Pisces in sun and venus so to any western astrologers you might have noticed this too.
On January 23rd I had another attempt only this time I didn’t want to choose a pretty death. I hadn’t truly attempted since 2016, but all the times prior to the 23rd I wanted a bloodless death for the sake of whomever found me.
This time I didn’t care.
Now let’s look back just a bit over the course of my life to see how this all came about. At the age of 3 I dreamed I was on the top of the stairs of my home. The blue carpet felt as soft as it usually did. It was dawn, but instead of a peach glow that shone through the door’s window, it was a white light. Mind you I had just learned what death was that day after I threw my stuffed horse with a voice box down the stairs. My dad said he was dead and told me my horse would never neigh again.
Maybe it was guilt or envy or a mixture of both but in the dream I flung myself into the white light and I felt myself fade into it like I was one with the light until it became darkness and I woke up. This dream has been reoccurring all my life. To this day I still find comfort in that dream. Death to me is peace.
I learned of the word suicide at age 11 and at 15 my cousin committed suicide and I went to his funeral and saw his daughter give a speech that brought me to tears. I didn’t know them well and yet I cried because of how much she missed him. But it dawned on me then that my cousin was at peace and I envied him.
Throughout my life I have been raped, sexually abused, physically abused, but to be honest the worst was and still is the emotional abuse. It hurts more to me than any physical pain. Oddly I don’t mind being lied to, but all out betrayal and people projecting their expectations on me is the worst. I am the complete opposite of the cliche “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me.”
But it’s strange. You could call me a fucking retarded piece of shit that doesn’t deserve love in a cool monotone and I’d agree. If you yelled that at me my flight response would kick in and I’d internalize it to such a degree that I’d almost make it a mantra for myself.
I don’t believe there are as many empaths as people claim they are. To be truly empathic in my view you’d need some level of telepathy. 1 in 2 billion people probably have this gift. But mood mimicking? Yup that’s what I’d call myself. Any time I wasn’t mimicking another’s mood I felt worse because then I couldn’t help. There have been times I felt I needed a sense of self, or rather healthy boundaries, with certain people but I couldn’t and still have problems with maintaining that.
On the 23rd of January this year I had already been on my cycle for the whole month (apparently doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me or they’re lying because they know I can’t pay for a proper diagnosis) so emotions were running wild already and a panic attack ensued that night.
That day was pretty good, there wasn’t a specific trigger that threw me into a panic attack it was just me. All the things I internalized just manifested and I wanted to kill myself to find peace.
I called the hotline which I only do when I get to that place. I have had suicidal thought everyday since I was 3 but I only call the hotline when I have a plan to kill myself. I think I call them more than I should. I’ve called them at least 16 times since my 20s, and I’ve paid for therapy, and I’ve read self help books. None of it helps. I think at this point the only thing that could help would be full on amnesia or an IV of serotonin 24/7.
But I will say this. As I was holding my mother’s revolver, this was after my conversation with the suicide hotline, I contemplated doing a Russian Roulette. All the chambers were loaded and I could have taken them out and let only one bullet stay, but I calculated my odds and I didn’t want to be saved.
Until Loki, my godspouse, told me that this wasn’t my time. You see during this panic attack I had deities and spirits all telling me not to do it. Some frantically yelling, some crying, but during those moments I just felt crazy. I still feel crazy. Mentally ill is an understatement. I feel mentally damaged beyond repair. When anyone says I matter or that they love me I don’t believe them. I don’t trust anyone really. Whether intended or not I know the ones I love will hurt me. I especially don’t trust myself. In fact though I’ve tried to give myself self love, I just hate myself. When anyone gives me a compliment I just smile and say thank you for their benefit. It’s awkward to say what I truly think of myself in those moments. So I’m polite.
Even when I laugh on the outside I’m still a sad little piece of shit on the inside. I feel guilty for existing. No therapist or self help book can cure that. So why am I still alive?
Because it’s still not my time to go. Ha, I used to pray that I’d die at the same age of Yeshua (or Yahshua/Jesus) which would be 30-35 years old. I’ve got 2 more years to see if that’s really going to happen. Most days I feel like a ticking time bomb. But if I live beyond 35 years old I’ll be honest I wouldn’t know wtf to do. I could be a millionaire and still not know what to do emotionally with myself.
The gods have said that my death will be violent, but even disease and “natural causes” seem pretty violent to me. The only love I can give myself is hope. I hope that when I die I helped someone by dying. Whether it be one less drain on resources or that I saved someone from a cruel fate by my death.
I’ll conclude this with a talented völva friend of mine who made this message:
She did a reading for all of Loki’s devotees and Loki’s love definitely showed through. Most (by most I mean 1/100 times) of the time when people do readings for me I don’t resonate with them. I try to but then I notice I mood mimic and then the reading falls flat. But this one didn’t for some reason aka Loki, and it gave me comfort.
So for those who have read this post all the way through I hope you can overcome your own depression and any insecurities you have. You deserve happiness. Take care and happy witching!
Moodiness, protecting the heart, seeking connection, chivalry, romantic.
Overall it shows our divine connection as soulmates. Since I was 16 and did blood magick with Her, even when I ignored Her, She was always there for me. Together we make an unstoppable team. I am forever grateful She chose me and allows me to blossom under Her love and protection. Thank you my lovely Goddess!
Cards: Chinese Tarot – Ace of Staves (r), Ten of Coins, 4 of Cups (r), The Empress.
This shows my warm and yet exciting relationship with my soul mother. We can be rather tired when it comes to work, but once we have our minds set on something we accomplish it. Home and family mean everything to Her, and I am glad I get to be a part of it!
Cards: The Dragon Tarot – Queen of Cups, Knight of Wands, 8 of Wands (r), King of Cups (r).
I believe this is about our more private life. Nevertheless, it shows Loki and I have an unbreakable bond full of complex passion. We're quick to get on each other's nerves and quick to forgive. Our relationship is fun yet deep. I'm grateful Loki is mine.
Now on to my new daily practice. Rune of the day!
Today was Fehu, but I’m actually going to show you my first I started almost a week ago.
Also wanted to show how my spirituality is doing and to show off my lesbianflag manicure:
Alright well thank you for reading and happy witching!
So if you’re familiar with my blog you know I have this deck on digital form, but I loved it so much I got the physical copy…lol sorta. It did not come with a guidebook but I was able to download it from the link on the back of the box.
But yes I do love this deck being that I am a neo pagan and this deck just screams that. I did a light/shadow reading which shows your strengths and weaknesses more or less.
The Knight of Swords shows that I’m ambitious and strive for success in everything I do. Which is true I am a perfectionist and also a Slytherin so this card is very accurate.
My shadow card, the Seven of Wands, shows that I’m often misunderstood, defending my accomplishments, and need to erect energetic shields. Very true since I’m in tiktok and I’m sure I’ve pissed ppl off just by being me. Plus living in a house full of judgy Christians doesn’t help.
A very accurate reading indeed. Physical copy 9.8/10. Kinda wish the cards were slightly bigger but they are indeed travel size.
Now onto a little devotion to Loki.
For those who can’t read my handwriting:
Loki you are the love I was terrified of but once I opened my heart the most thrilling love came to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. May our journey together be eternal. You're beautiful soul never ceases to amaze me!
I don’t often write in my prayer journal (I should) but when I do it’s basically love letters or praise.
This one was inspired by last night when I just felt a deep connection to Loki. I often do, of course, but the intimate connections we have are like nothing else. Godspousing isn’t always about the glorious, sometimes it’s the mundane day to day romances that really make one feel appreciated. Loki makes me feel appreciated and I hope I can return the feeling as much as Loki has done for me. Mortals come and go in this life, but my beloved is eternal.
I never really could be formal. In all honesty the times I’ve tried to it’s failed. I suppose the most formal I’ve ever been was with Yah and Anubis but even then those small formal gestures lifted quickly. Hard to say how exactly and who dropped the formal language first, most likely me, but nevertheless I want to talk about the difference a lot of us witches have with our deities and how gatekeeping is abound in both camps.
Let’s start with my camp. Team who gives a fuck about formalities? While in a lot of ways I see the purpose of being formal, for the most part I don’t. A Goddess or God to me is Someone Whom I want in my life and with my first intention want around forever. So it’s odd to me to be so very grandiose. I guess you can say I like to get to know them as friends before officially working with them. This kind of work depends on personal vs external, but nonetheless if i don’t have a strong connection with that deity we never work together.
I have seen though people take this too far and say in so many words or less that their devotion to said deity out ways another person’s experience. Bull. Devotion is great but many a times I’ve seen deities not want any of their devotees to act as oracles nor enter into any kind of clergy role.
On the flip side. Side let’s be uber formal with our deities, there is too much ritual and too much involved to speak to the gods. Not that the work or ritual doesn’t have it’s merit, but it’s certainly not the only way to communicate with deities. A lot of organized religion and circles do this because at one point said deity liked it that way at the time, but and while tradition is great, one can gatekeep new instruction from said deity by being bogged down by past rituals.
Both sides have to grow to realize that there can be a happy medium. You can be as formal or informal as you see fit. No one defines your relationship to the Divine other than you and the Divine.
That being said, one has to use caution when working with others. If you’re not on the same page then how do expect to grow? You won’t. You’ll be kept down and be prevented from experiencing the full glory of your potential.
When it comes to formalities let the Gods be the deciding factor. Some require specific instructions, others are as free to use informal language as much as you want. It all depends. So this argument in modern witchcraft needs to be put on the back burner. Let’s settle this here that both have merit and use and not everyone fits neatly into ritualistic box nor a lasse-fair relationship with their deity(ies).
Work out with your deities what language and ritual to use works best for you and happy witching!
So I started this project about a month ago and it took me that long to figure out the color combinations I wanted.
A little recap on mine and Aphrodite’s relationship. I have been working with Her for over a decade and our relationship grew to be lovers. Since I have never seen anyone marry Aphrodite but still use the term godspouse I’m going to assume Hephaestus to be Her only legal spouse, as seen by the contracts of Hera, but naturally She has lovers. She and I have two demi-goddess children (though they are adults now) Delaphina goddess of finding one’s soulmate (note not always a sexual relationship) and Daemura who is still trying to find her passion. Both of them have purple/violet eyes so I included that into Aphrodite’s dress.
I wanted to give her rose gold hair but I think I did my best since I had to make rose gold rather than buy it. Plus, I bet itd be hella expensive for rose gold gouache.
Nevertheless Aphrodite loves Her statue and that’s all that matters! I hope to do more of these this year! So stay tuned for that. If I get good enough I’ll start making to sell but I think I need to work out some stuff first.
Dear Reader, You may have heard of the term ‘godspouse’ and wondered what on earth it means. You may have seen some people refer to themselves as ‘godspouses’ and wondered if their grip on reality was slipping. You may have seen the numerous posts referring to godspouses as overly imaginative/obsessed fangirls of a certain deity. […]
Though Lugh, or Lug, is not a deity I normally work with I’ll be working more closely with Him in the future. One of my spirit sons, K we’ll call him, needs direction and a patron of his own. K’s father, a former reaper named Kunxi, and I both agreed Lugh would be the perfect match to help our son fufill his potential. I will give more updates on that front, but in the meantime here are some facts about Lugh that made us come to the decision:
Lugh is the God of nobility and justice.
God of oaths.
Also, a trickster God and well Loki (to whom I am godspoused to) suggested Him.
A great warrior.
A God of the arts and magik (to which K excels at).
A great smith.
I will be researching offerings to Lugh so if anyone has a good resource that would be great. In the Celtic pantheon I work with Danu and the Morrigan but have also met the Goddess Oonagh whom I really enjoy getting to know. Thus far, I believe Lugh will be the first God in the Celtic pantheon I will meet. I am both excited and nervous as that is expected. But I am looking forward to updating what happens!