Not exactly the post I wanted to write after being so inactive for so long, but Aphrodite is having me write this. This post doesn’t need a reaction or anything, I’m just supposed to write it.
*Warning this post contains suicidal thoughts and mentions rape and abuse*
Also, note that during this time a lot of my dual sun signs (Sagittarius, Pisces, and Gemini) friends were experiencing similar suicidal thoughts. I am also a Pisces in sun and venus so to any western astrologers you might have noticed this too.
On January 23rd I had another attempt only this time I didn’t want to choose a pretty death. I hadn’t truly attempted since 2016, but all the times prior to the 23rd I wanted a bloodless death for the sake of whomever found me.
This time I didn’t care.
Now let’s look back just a bit over the course of my life to see how this all came about. At the age of 3 I dreamed I was on the top of the stairs of my home. The blue carpet felt as soft as it usually did. It was dawn, but instead of a peach glow that shone through the door’s window, it was a white light. Mind you I had just learned what death was that day after I threw my stuffed horse with a voice box down the stairs. My dad said he was dead and told me my horse would never neigh again.
Maybe it was guilt or envy or a mixture of both but in the dream I flung myself into the white light and I felt myself fade into it like I was one with the light until it became darkness and I woke up. This dream has been reoccurring all my life. To this day I still find comfort in that dream. Death to me is peace.
I learned of the word suicide at age 11 and at 15 my cousin committed suicide and I went to his funeral and saw his daughter give a speech that brought me to tears. I didn’t know them well and yet I cried because of how much she missed him. But it dawned on me then that my cousin was at peace and I envied him.
Throughout my life I have been raped, sexually abused, physically abused, but to be honest the worst was and still is the emotional abuse. It hurts more to me than any physical pain. Oddly I don’t mind being lied to, but all out betrayal and people projecting their expectations on me is the worst. I am the complete opposite of the cliche “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me.”
But it’s strange. You could call me a fucking retarded piece of shit that doesn’t deserve love in a cool monotone and I’d agree. If you yelled that at me my flight response would kick in and I’d internalize it to such a degree that I’d almost make it a mantra for myself.
I don’t believe there are as many empaths as people claim they are. To be truly empathic in my view you’d need some level of telepathy. 1 in 2 billion people probably have this gift. But mood mimicking? Yup that’s what I’d call myself. Any time I wasn’t mimicking another’s mood I felt worse because then I couldn’t help. There have been times I felt I needed a sense of self, or rather healthy boundaries, with certain people but I couldn’t and still have problems with maintaining that.
On the 23rd of January this year I had already been on my cycle for the whole month (apparently doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me or they’re lying because they know I can’t pay for a proper diagnosis) so emotions were running wild already and a panic attack ensued that night.
That day was pretty good, there wasn’t a specific trigger that threw me into a panic attack it was just me. All the things I internalized just manifested and I wanted to kill myself to find peace.
I called the hotline which I only do when I get to that place. I have had suicidal thought everyday since I was 3 but I only call the hotline when I have a plan to kill myself. I think I call them more than I should. I’ve called them at least 16 times since my 20s, and I’ve paid for therapy, and I’ve read self help books. None of it helps. I think at this point the only thing that could help would be full on amnesia or an IV of serotonin 24/7.
But I will say this. As I was holding my mother’s revolver, this was after my conversation with the suicide hotline, I contemplated doing a Russian Roulette. All the chambers were loaded and I could have taken them out and let only one bullet stay, but I calculated my odds and I didn’t want to be saved.
Until Loki, my godspouse, told me that this wasn’t my time. You see during this panic attack I had deities and spirits all telling me not to do it. Some frantically yelling, some crying, but during those moments I just felt crazy. I still feel crazy. Mentally ill is an understatement. I feel mentally damaged beyond repair. When anyone says I matter or that they love me I don’t believe them. I don’t trust anyone really. Whether intended or not I know the ones I love will hurt me. I especially don’t trust myself. In fact though I’ve tried to give myself self love, I just hate myself. When anyone gives me a compliment I just smile and say thank you for their benefit. It’s awkward to say what I truly think of myself in those moments. So I’m polite.
Even when I laugh on the outside I’m still a sad little piece of shit on the inside. I feel guilty for existing. No therapist or self help book can cure that. So why am I still alive?
Because it’s still not my time to go. Ha, I used to pray that I’d die at the same age of Yeshua (or Yahshua/Jesus) which would be 30-35 years old. I’ve got 2 more years to see if that’s really going to happen. Most days I feel like a ticking time bomb. But if I live beyond 35 years old I’ll be honest I wouldn’t know wtf to do. I could be a millionaire and still not know what to do emotionally with myself.
The gods have said that my death will be violent, but even disease and “natural causes” seem pretty violent to me. The only love I can give myself is hope. I hope that when I die I helped someone by dying. Whether it be one less drain on resources or that I saved someone from a cruel fate by my death.
I’ll conclude this with a talented völva friend of mine who made this message:
She did a reading for all of Loki’s devotees and Loki’s love definitely showed through. Most (by most I mean 1/100 times) of the time when people do readings for me I don’t resonate with them. I try to but then I notice I mood mimic and then the reading falls flat. But this one didn’t for some reason aka Loki, and it gave me comfort.
So for those who have read this post all the way through I hope you can overcome your own depression and any insecurities you have. You deserve happiness. Take care and happy witching!